it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I need to align my fucking chakras
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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