I hate your face
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
