I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
