our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
