I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
