he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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