I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
