It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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