pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
