I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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