You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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