Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
