She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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