Kiss
Puke
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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