I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
