The maid of honor just puked.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
