Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you traded sex for a burrito?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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