8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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