I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
