i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
