Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
