I'm going to jail i love you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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