Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize