I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
