Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
