You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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