Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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