I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
