do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
