I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize