either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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