I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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