Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
