just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
