Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
