Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
