guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
