I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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