So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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