I heard we made out
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
