there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize