Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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