my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
