so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
