I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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