Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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