My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
