i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize