i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
