Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
