Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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