My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
