Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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