Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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