Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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