You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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