his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
