Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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