I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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