You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
