Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
