I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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