So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
