Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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