I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
