I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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