It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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