I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
