Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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